Blog

Here are the last 100 blog posts published on TSR. Enjoy!

  • Boxing Day Dinner – Cold Turkey 08.03.2021
    Well. I remembered another two books I had, that I used to dip into to try and stick this healing journey. Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. I bought a copy, got furious with God, reading about how He loves me, wrote lots of notes and sarcastic “ha!” messages in the margins, and eventually recycled it, ashamed […]
  • Beginning the Process 07.03.2021
    Oh my God. So here we go. Oh my God. Oh my God ; a phrase I was never allowed to say growing up, but that is taken as par for the course here in Uganda, even by seasoned Christians. Why am I saying this phrase? Because I’m about to embark (actually, I started an […]
  • Bea’s Friend 17.02.21
    Bea’s Friend I look up and see him entering the café. I remember the first time; how my heart beat wildly and I had to remind myself I was married, whilst a neon sign flashed on and off in my head, screaming, “INSANELY GOOD-LOOKING! INSANELY GOOD-LOOKING!”. I remember wishing, “Please don’t be her friend! Please […]
  • Novel 06.01.2021
    Of course, he knew just how she liked her tea, and she was grateful. The simple fact of not having to wait for the kettle to boil, or stand and reach into the cupboards too high for her arms – but just right for his – was a blessing; a gift he unconsciously gave her […]
  • In Praise of Tea. 17.11.2020
    [17/11, 07:41] Me: On a totally different note… our kettle plug has fused into the socket 😬 it still works, but I’m guessing it mist have gotten burnt in by a power surge. Actually impossible to remove it 🙄 [17/11, 11:48] Me: So now the kettle won’t boil at all. Yet we have to boil […]
  • Stories Part Two 01.11.2020
    Share your story here… This is what my blog post page says. When I start typing, that encouragement disappears, kind of like the basis for most of the stories, when challenged, of the Ugandans amongst whom I try to live and move and have my being. Stories.
  • Stories 01.11.2020
    [01/11, 12:00] MN: No no [01/11, 12:00] MN: You haven’t asked why she couldn’t make [01/11, 12:00] MN: Where’s the compassion? [01/11, 12:01] MN: She had a family emergency [01/11, 12:20] Me: Sorry. Well buried underneath reception of zero compassion my end… And fatigue with stories… the endless Ugandan stories. …dulling my edge, such that […]
  • Vestal Virgin 27.10.2020
    It was summer 2002. The year before I lost my innocence totally and irrevocably; the year before I became a parent. The losses of innocence started early on, likely predating even my toddler remembrances. But this was the first public verbal instance. We were at a summer fête. I was there in my rôle as […]
  • Raw
    Inside feels raw. High tide of grief for a family I didn’t know, but who were only at two removes from me: the son and his family of my aunt’s close friends. The nature of death shocking and numerous – four out of six dead, and two fighting for their lives in hospital. Satan on […]
  • Mother-in-law 12.10.2020
    She has the luxury of grandparenting. At one remove, able to see what I could be doing better. Able to give the advice I’ve tried to impart over years, in those five minutes making a cup of tea, not looking at the angsty one. And if she does catch the hateful look, it isn’t for […]
  • The Trees are Gone
    02.10.2020 Yesterday I heard a man cutting down a tree. The consistent thud wasn’t placeable until I moved the curtain, barrier to the outside, and located the death tap. A lady walked up the path beside the now fallen tree, skirting it without a backward glance. A man rode down the first part of the […]
  • Poetry 31.08.2020
    Outside my window The river runs that The rust river runs red Gleams gun metal Over stones
  • Poetic Injustice 28.08.2020
    Do I have to Wait Until I’m sixty Or dead For anyone to recognise What passed before Their eyes Unseen Unnoticed Beautiful genius? These words Loop Unfold Scatter necklace pearls Beads dropping String snapped – Can we see your early work? Now you want me Now you read me Now you lie: We knew all […]
  • Like the Proverbial 28.08.2020
    Like the proverbial She sits Hateful as one With a silly sardonic smile She makes saints cuss She has stained the glass Of every window Into my soul Brimful and doubting Yet quietly sure I was doing right I am no saint I am a saint He loves me He loves me not The age-old […]
  • Jagger Fox Part Two 28.08.2020
    Jagger Fox You knew I would not fear you now You knew With time My mind Would outgrow Your boldness You knew I would write Your terror Into being Only to dismantle You Fox of my dreams You are a puzzle With one piece Missing I readily form and Unform you: Power is mine Jagger […]
  • Jagger Fox 28.08.2020
    Jagger Fox Reposes Nonchalant to the heavy dawn He knows How rain Will bedraggle feathers Distract hen minds Disarm their beady eyes His pounce comes Suddenly Abrupt in the sky water Startling Interrupting Their roosting alarms Later In innocent sunlight Earth steaming Feathers scattered Entrails Dirty smear The only clue Upon the new earth
  • Rust Fox
    Rust Fox lies Curled Asleep on the fender Pretending to be house-trained, Mouse catcher cat. I am not fooled Seeing his sleek warmth, His toe dipping creamily Innocent deception To the untrained eye. But I see his claws, Sheathed, harmless, Until a twitch pricks his unconscious ear To the hen’s ready sound And that curved […]
  • Day Break (fast) 27/28.08.2020
    The morning serves up Steaming hot bowls Of her ladled self. We are not asked to comment; Only for thankfulness As she warms our bellies And faces, Eager eyes revived As the old engine starts. In marmalade slivers of orange sunlight sunlight orange The congealed morning peels Crusts and dries Thrown out as scraps For […]
  • The Rape Post
    So I had a revelation last week. Or a realisation. Seismic shift, but no tectonic plates moved. It has reframed everything and changed my perspective. The people who were (and some still are, nearly two decades later) most vehemently outspoken against me at the time will need to find mountains to hide behind. To outweigh […]
  • No Means No
    NO = NO If you (say) kNOw, you (mean) kNOw. … If you know, you know.
  • Confession… or The Rules of Writing
    I don’t think there are any rules. Just fall in love with writing. I just sent this message to an acquaintance. I think it’s true. Really, I’m turning up because I haven’t been here in a while. This month I started writing a book. About mental health – mine, specifically. So I haven’t been writing […]
  • The Tide Will Turn
    The tide will turn. All my life it has been going out, taking everything precious with it, even the things that dragged their feet like stubborn children. Years, years, the undertow has been roaring, sucking its teeth at the sand, spitting out beautiful shells, dirtying them and breaking them in the process. And I have […]
  • Pride Room
    Protection. Or, as my phone decided by typo, Pride Room. Lions in all their splendour.
  • Surviving Africa
    All along I thought I was supposed to come here. Meeting Laban and Alice when I was five or six years old. Marrying a Ugandan, although I didn’t know he was, to start with. Loving South Africa; assuming Uganda would forge the same connection. And even all these thousands of miles away, I cannot escape […]
  • Don’t Envy What You Weren’t Prepared to Pay for
    Don’t envy what you weren’t prepared to pay for. ***** 17 years earlier They think I’m stupid. Naïve. Dumb. She actually asked if it was the first time I’d had sex. Ha. If only. “Maybe this Lazaro raped her?” “We admire your courage” and other bullshit. Course now, with all the years of hindsight, it’s […]
  • April 2020 GNP Article
    I want to write about Ruth. Her name means “Mercy”, and the book of Ruth is all about mercy. Ruth is a foreigner, whose husband is dead. She comes from her home country of Moab with her mother-in-law Naomi, to Bethlehem, which is where Naomi is from. Ruth has very few rights as a foreign […]
  • (no title)
    I just published the first episode of my new podcast! Listen to Think Speak Run Podcast on Anchor
  • Viral.
    COVID-19: one time when I don’t want to hear that my idea’s gone “viral”.
  • COVID-19
    Maybe we thought it would go away. The two industrial-grade face masks I bought at a business expo three weeks ago seemed like an overreaction and a bit of a joke then. I remember feeling silly bringing them home, but thought we could use them for dressing up, or that I could wear them when […]
  • A funny cartoon about Quentin Tarantino
    I pray he doesn’t get COVID-19. I just thought spoonerizing his name was funny!
  • Bruin
    I loved Bruin. He stood in the hallway in Grandma and Grandpa’s bungalow, ready to hold umbrellas or walking sticks. I loved Bruin. His mouth was always open, his teeth sharp, but just far enough apart to admit my small fingers – and for me to feel their pointed ends. I loved Bruin. I stroked […]
  • AIA – Obeying your employer
    You obey your employer / boss in as far as it is right and in line with terms of employment. But when it is immoral, evil or plain against the Lord God — are you still willing to obey? I don’t think you should.
  • AIA – Bible is the undisputed Word of God
    The Bible is the undisputed Word of God and the lamp unto our feet. Can you back what you are saying with the Word of God? Give us the scriptures to back up this position.
  • AIA – Holy Spirit and mediums
    If Christ said He leaves us the Holy Spirit to guide us, what is the point of going to the evil spirit of mediums? How does that glorify God? Has the Lord God Almighty who can use anyone run out of believers that we should look into messages of dead mediums who did even know […]
  • One Take
    I like to do things in one take. All or nothing. I’m a perfectionist and I don’t like wasting time repeating things to make them fractionally better. No. Get it right first time. I’ve been described as impatient, the horse to David’s ox. But there are those who also notice my patience. Six kids don’t […]
  • March 2020 GNP Article
    Have you ever wondered why the Bible is full of names? Names of places, names of people, long lists of family names? It’s because God knows each one of us by name, and our names matter. I’ve been reading a story in Judges chapter 4, that is full of names and their meanings. It’s the […]
  • Without Title
    Beyond frustration nowI sit, slouch, hunch forwardAnd slump back.What is the pointThis isolationThese wars and wordsSurprise and betrayalLoss of belonging. The usual ranting at thin air.No technology is intuitive.Words trapped but clotting,A verbal embolismNot yet big enoughTo kill me.
  • When Love Kills – Prison Scene #2
  • When Love Kills – Prison Scene #1
  • When Love Kills (trailer)
  • When Love Kills (posters)
    Promotional Poster for “When Love Kills” Promotional Poster #2
  • When Love Kills (Audio – readthrough)
    Mally reading through When Love Kills (adapted by Arfaan Bholim from The Thrill of Love by Amanda Whittington) https://anchor.fm/thinkspeakrun/episodes/When-Love-Kills—Read-through-by-Mally-Tamale-Sali-ec6htn
  • For my Alchemists
    I feel afraid.Of writing my truth in a world that doesn’t want to hear it. In a world that has silenced me before, and feels poised to silence me again.I feel afraid that I won’t matter. That I won’t be able to change anything. And yes, I’m afraid of my brilliance, too.
  • February 2020 GNP Article
    What does it mean to have a different spirit? This is what God says of Caleb in Numbers 14:24 (NIV). Caleb and Joshua are the only two out of twelve spies who believe the Israelites can possess the promised land. Numbers 13:30 (KJV) tells us: ‘And Caleb… said, Let us go up at once, and […]
  • January 2020 GNP Article – God’s Loudspeaker
    God’s Loudspeaker Have you ever carried your coat when it wasn’t raining, because you knew it would rain later? God did something like that with Joshua in the Old Testament. He knew Joshua was going to face fear and doubt, so He told him to be strong and courageous before the fears and doubts came. […]
  • Observation at Nakawa
    [21/12, 10:17] *Mally: Observation at Nakawa:This is normal to Ugandans. They aren’t surprised, shocked or repulsed by anything they see here. I’m staying in the car, surreptitiously taking the occasional photo through the almost-closed windows. And I’m disgusted by what is normal here. And fascinated – hence taking the photos. Will the fascination/revulsion paradox/complex/whatever it […]
  • Happy Birthday
    May there be cake and balloons. Candles and laughter. Memories and presents.
  • December 2019 GNP Article
    “‘Out of Egypt have I called my son.’” Matthew 2:15 Jesus is God’s only begotten son (John 1:14). Israel is God’s firstborn son (Exodus 4:22). As we have seen during the course of this year, the older must serve the younger. The firstborn son is scripturally superseded by the younger son. With Jesus’ birth it […]
  • Habit-forming
    Well, apparently “they” say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I haven’t written for 21 days… But that was already unfortunately a habit. I’m typing on my phone whilst sitting next to the baby who’s happily playing and chomping everything in sight (teeth on the way), in the same room as the next […]
  • November 2019 GNP Article
    Moses’ personal identity dilemma (Hebrew or Egyptian? Slave or Prince? Bondsman or Freeman?) reflects the bigger national identity crisis that is about to face Israel. After Moses kills an Egyptian for mistreating one of his Hebrew brethren, Pharaoh wants him dead. Clearly there is conflict within Moses’ adoptive family about his true identity – as […]
  • Incidentally… Five Years
    Incidentally, today is five years since Family Unity Day. This is the day when we celebrate the adoption celebration in court. Ella was already officially David’s daughter by this point in 2014, but this was the day when we had the ceremonial event with the Judge. Ella was much smaller. The boys were little. J […]
  • Today’s Poem 30.10.19
    I don’t like cockroaches In the bathroom On the stair …in fact, Just anywhere. I do like the sound Of wind in the banana leaves. I like the feel of rain on my hair And hail On my face Even though it stings a bit sometimes. I like Christmas And I don’t think it should […]
  • The Skinny Muzungu Project
    So I started this project I think back in 2015 or 2016, some time after J was born. I needed to lose weight and wanted to do Slimming World again, but found that my membership had expired… probably something to do with shifting 7,000 miles away from the UK! I did manage to lose the […]
  • Thoughts 11.10.19
    Thoughts from the last few days: Thunder crackles over Kampala Ella must have felt so totally alone. She cried for me and I kept not coming. Of course she smiled when I went to see her; I had returned. (And this is the clinical write-up of the realisation. When it hit me I was a […]
  • Thoughts 11.10.19
    Thoughts from the last few days: Thunder crackles over Kampala Ella must have felt so totally alone. She cried for me and I kept not coming. Of course she smiled when I went to see her; I had returned. (And this is the clinical write-up of the realisation. When it hit me I was a […]
  • The Neighbours’ Dog 07.10.19
    Please be the neighbours’ dog… please be the neighbours’ dog… Crazy the thoughts that go through the exhausted parental mind. This was the thought, prayer, desperate plea that I actually verbalised a few minutes ago, David having just settled Bub. The sound was a weird half-cry, half-whine. And yes, it turned out to be the […]
  • The Neighbours’ Dog
    Please be the neighbours’ dog… please be the neighbours’ dog… Crazy the thoughts that go through the exhausted parental mind. This was the thought, prayer, desperate plea that I actually verbalised a few minutes ago, David having just settled Bub. The sound was a weird half-cry, half-whine. And yes, it turned out to be the […]
  • October 2019 GNP Article
    Joseph is dead, his fame and legacy not known by the new Pharaoh. Israel is living within Egypt’s borders and Egypt doesn’t like it. Into this nation in conflict a baby is born: Moses. Moses’ story is as complex as Joseph’s, but for different reasons. Born, rather than sold, into slavery in Egypt, Moses reaches […]
  • Zooming Out
    When do I get to zoom out? I feel overwhelmed by one of my strengths: the ability to focus on minutiae and to see long-term layers of consequences rippling out from one decision in the present. Consequently, I feel paralysed by my own foresight. I’m struggling to make simple decisions and battling at second-guessing myself […]
  • September 2019 GNP article
    Joseph has had a tumultuous journey from favoured son in the home, to an empty pit, slavery, Potiphar’s house, and now prison. Despite his adverse circumstances, he has walked in favour at every stage so far, and the blessing is about to snowball. Even when he is held in prison unjustly, Joseph has favour. Genesis […]
  • August 2019 GNP article
    Joseph is the favoured son of Jacob, the firstborn of his favoured wife, Rachel. As such, we might assume that Joseph’s life story will be one long catalogue of success and favour. But this is not how it appears.  Joseph is not like his father.  As we have seen, Jacob is a deceiver. He obtains […]
  • July 2019 GNP Article
    When it comes to receiving the blessing of Abraham, spoken through Isaac into his firstborn son, Jacob is helped to deceive his father to ensure he receives the blessing.  The Bible tells us that “Isaac loved Esau… but Rebekah loved Jacob” (Genesis 25:28). Due to this favouritism, Rebekah conspires with Jacob to ensure he will […]
  • June GNP article final 2019
    By virtue of being Isaac’s firstborn, Esau has both the birthright and the blessing that come from that position. But the Bible tells us he ‘despised his birthright’. As a result, his brother Jacob receives Esau’s birthright, and later the blessing from his father Isaac. We know from God’s words to Rebekah during pregnancy that […]
  • May GNP Article
    Isaac grows up, marries Rebekah, and is blessed by God after his father’s death. But his wife is barren. How can the covenant promise be fulfilled if there is no seed to be blessed? When Isaac is forty years old he marries Rebekah. They are married for twenty years before she gets pregnant. The Bible […]
  • The Girl on the Bridge 12.04.19
    A girl stands on a bridge. Below her speeds the dual carriageway, running fast into the future she doesn’t want to meet. A few metres to her right it rushes in the opposite direction, hurtling towards the past she can’t forget. She is stuck. Rooted to the pavement by gravity and uncertainty. She feels heavy, […]
  • The Girl on the Bridge
    A girl stands on a bridge. Below her speeds the dual carriageway, running fast into the future she doesn’t want to meet. A few metres to her right it rushes in the opposite direction, hurtling towards the past she can’t forget. She is stuck. Rooted to the pavement by gravity and uncertainty. She feels heavy, […]
  • April GNP article
    God promised to bless all the nations of the earth in Abraham. Why, then, did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, through whom the blessing would come? Isaac was the son of the promise God had given to Abraham; God’s Word was fulfilled and Sarah gave birth. But while he is still a […]
  • March GNP Article
    God made a covenant – a binding promise – with Noah. Next, He makes a covenant with Abram. What is so important about these promises between God and men? The rainbow that God showed Noah after the flood was the sign of His covenant promise with him. Every rainbow since then is a reminder of […]
  • Valentine’s Day Poem for David 2019
    Read in Daphne voice (curp) Roses can be red Violets are purple I think it’s wonderful that I’m half of this couple
  • February 2019 GNP Creation Story
    Wrath and response. God has sent Jesus to redeem us from our sin nature and to bring us back into relationship with Himself, but how does this fit into the narrative of the old testament? After Abel’s murder, more children are born to Adam and Eve, starting with a son named Seth. There are ten […]
  • January 2019 GNP Creation Story
    Adam and Eve have been banished from Eden. What is next for them?  Adam and Eve may have been kicked out of the garden, but they are still made in God’s image. They still have the ability to reproduce after their own kind, because Adam’s seed is in him. So they have two children; sons […]
  • What Do I Do With My Kids In The Holidays?
    The frightening sprawl of six weeks stretches ahead of you. The sick feeling in your stomach returns and tightens into knots. No playgroup, no regular routine, and maybe no holiday away from it all. This is where I daydream and remember hazy far-off days in North Wales, UK, in the 1980s and ’90s. Being buried […]
  • No More Hiding
    This is me: Mally Tamale-Sali. I’m 33, I’m married to David – my absolute best friend on earth. I am a Christian – I don’t mean a religious, neat-at-the-edges person. I mean a vibrant follower of Jesus, whose life is messy round the edges in a good way – I don’t have it all figured […]
  • Testimony
    First, a bit of context. God has brought me through so much. I am a survivor of incest. A survivor of sexual abuse, rape, mental abuse, emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual abuse. I am a survivor of suicide attempts, substance abuse and severe depression. Many times these labels become barriers between the people who have […]
  • About… Me
    Hi. I’m Mally. I’m 32, and I’m a wife and a mother of four. I love to sing, act and write. I love running, but am currently working to strengthen my core and recondition my body before attempting anything big…. I wanted to run the Cardiff Half Marathon last year but couldn’t, due to injury. […]
  • What I’m Doing Today
    Hi. What I’m doing today is…. Amassing all the body of material that I’ve written and built up and gathered and squirreled away and hidden and tried to sometimes smother, sometimes silence, sometimes share over the last 11+ years. I have written a lot of poetry; a lot of what I wrote as a teenager […]
  • What I’m Doing Today
    Hi. What I’m doing today is…. Amassing all the body of material that I’ve written and built up and gathered and squirreled away and hidden and tried to sometimes smother, sometimes silence, sometimes share over the last 11+ years. I have written a lot of poetry; a lot of what I wrote as a teenager […]
  • Here Again.
    Ok. So i just went through some emails – only half a dozen or so, dating back five and a half years to when I wrote my book. Am feeling encouraged and almost brave enough to be here again, after nearly a year, to try and keep turning up to say how ans who I […]
  • It May Take the Hilt, Too.
    My Grandma died in December. I miss her. She once said something to me when I was pregnant with Ella: “We’ll defend each other to the hilt, darling.” The sad thing is, she never did get to do that as she had intended. Yes, she prayed mightily for me and for all of us, through […]
  • Running
    I ran this evening. It hurt. I hurt. I thought I’d have a fairly pleasant run, and stop a little after the point of pain. Nope. I couldn’t manage the final lap that I had anticipated. Each limb protested and I felt my face too warm as I ran back to our drive. It made […]
  • Breaking Broken
    I woke up yesterday morning and in my mumble of sleep managed to speak something of worth from my dream to David. I had a dream of setting up a project called Breaking Broken. The idea is that survivors of CSA who have felt broken by their experiences get to break the brokenness through rap. […]
  • Running
    Here again. I went for a run this evening. This was a big deal. I gave birth only a few months ago, and my body is all lumpy and saggy and misshapen. Only misshapen in the sense that it doesn’t fit into regular clothes because it is still getting back to normal – my normal. […]
  • Loss
    Listening to Ed Sheeran. Small Bump will come on in a minute. It doesn’t make me cry. It makes me sob. There are only a few people whose art has ever been able to express how I actually feel over losing Ella. It’s a growing list of: Ed Sheeran: Small Bump Phil Collins: Since I […]
  • Details
    Here I am again, turning up at the page. I know it’s been a few days since I wrote anything down, but there’s been a lot going on on the inside. David graduated on Saturday after a 12-year arduous battle against systems and prejudice. His battle for his study to be recognised and not ignored […]
  • Rag-Doll
    Seeing if There’s More. I know I just posted… I asked God what I should share, what I should write. That’s what He gave me. Now I’m asking Him if there’s any more. I feel the weight of words, details. So a decade ago, I was pregnant with Ella. All of everything is mixed up […]
  • The Singing Never Will Be Done
    What do you write when you have so much to say, but feel there’s no way to express it? This is how I felt last night, and for parts of today. The dizziness returned this afternoon, and I’ve just spent a while reading the news when I was supposed to be making tomorrow’s sandwiches. I […]
  • Noticing Grief
    24th April today. 2013. Not a significant date for me, and yet I found myself caught out by grief. I read Rob Parson’s latest Care For the Family letter, and it made me cry. The quotation he shared from C. S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed prompted me to order my own copy. I read a […]
  • Reservoir
    Yesterday I had a new image come to mind. I have been like a reservoir. Full of water -for me, the water is pain and maybe words- that has been held back. All the while the pain’s been held back, so has the healing. The hidden constraint in the word- ‘reserv(e)oir’ – that I had […]
  • Permission
    On 16th January this year I finally realised this: I don’t need the permission of my abusers; they never sought mine. It’s taken me almost another quarter of a year to stand in courage and actually say that to the world. Fear and a lack of permission has kept me bound. I do not have […]
  • Once upon a time
    Once Upon a Time Once upon a time There was a little girl. Once upon a time That little girl had a name. Once upon a time That name had a body. Once upon a time That body held a treasure. Once upon a time That treasure had a sparkle. Once upon a time That […]
  • Listening to Ed Sheeran
    I went into town with Ella a week and a half ago – on Saturday 11th Feb. We had a lovely lovely lovely day together. We both had eye tests; I needed new glasses; Ella didn’t. She was a little bit gutted! We sat across one of the benches in the shopping centre and ate […]
  • Stop all the clocks
    Here I am again on Tuesday 6th December 2011. My heart, throat and eyes so full behind the surface that I can hardly breathe, that I can hardly type, that I wonder at the tears not falling. I need to get this pain, this thorn, this splinter out. I need to hold together for just […]
  • Threads
    Hello! It’s Monday the 28th of November 2011. It’s quite cold, so we have the heating on. So Saturday was november 26th. 8 years since I got Ella back. And man does it still hurt. Still. David and I were talking about it last night. And I am still cross with You God for letting […]
  • Junket milk
    Curdle, the cuddle that girdles, until it thickens and sours, and what felt safe and lured me in makes me gag, spit, be sick. Did no-one know this intensity burns, like the stare in his eye: an intention, revelation, destruction? Did no-one dare to say, “and cut.” , or did they speak and he misunderstood? […]

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