Think Speak Run

Hi. What I’m doing today is…. Amassing all the body of material that I’ve written and built up and gathered and squirreled away and hidden and tried to sometimes smother, sometimes silence, sometimes share over the last 11+ years.

I have written a lot of poetry; a lot of what I wrote as a teenager I destroyed a few years ago. I was still so deeply in denial about my own ordeal growing up that I felt ashamed of my angry hateful work. Now I keep whatever I produce. It is my aim to collate all the work and type it up as separate blog posts/ pictures etc. in one place here on this website, where people can connect with the real me. I intend to keep turning up in courage to speak and share and break the silence. I intend to think. To speak. To run. I will then just write here on this blog, or type up what I hammer out on my typewriter Erika (I find the angry hitting of keys whilst expressing myself in written word extremely helpful). That way, it will be easy for anyone to find or connect with me on my ongoing journey. It has always been a struggle to be present and to remain present. I tend to opt for flight, not fight, when things get too much. My past gets too much for me on a daily basis. Hopefully, by turning up here in my own space to get the feelings and thoughts out on paper, I will gradually become more able to remain present as me, a person who is the sum of many diverse and painful parts, and yet is also far more than that, not defined by that, possibly stronger for surviving all of that.

Just to be clear: ‘that’ is:

#incest #csa #c-ptsd #glandular fever (attack on my actual voice) #suicide attempts #rape #neglect #abandonment #mental conditioning #traumatic pregnancy #pressurised relinquishment of my baby #being a birth mother #losing my child #getting my baby back and therefore falling through many gaps in the adoption triangle and process #pnd (ppd in USA) #spiritual, social, emotional abuse and excommunication #single mother-hood #severance of contact with original family #a load of other ***t which is all connected, and which I guess will become apparent as I dare to turn up and share that for which I have always been made to feel ashamed (myself).