Well.
I remembered another two books I had, that I used to dip into to try and stick this healing journey.
Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. I bought a copy, got furious with God, reading about how He loves me, wrote lots of notes and sarcastic “ha!” messages in the margins, and eventually recycled it, ashamed of my very slow progress, and seeming inability to progress beyond baby stumbling emotionally.
A couple of years after the book’s demise, I bought a new copy, an updated copy, wherein the author stated she had changed her mind and views on certain topics since writing and publishing the original version. I don’t remember if I agreed or disagreed with her new stance, but the book was shelved. And not annotated by anger or by me. Then my cousin’s wife sent me a workbook to accompany Captivating, and I thought I’d work through it. I never did. It seemed to touch on assumed experiences and relationships – favourite activities and girlfriends – that I just didn’t have. I felt left out of the Left Out Club. Too much of a misfit for even the misfits to want me.
Another book I donated to charity was called The Father Heart of God. Don’t ask me who wrote it: I don’t remember. I only know that it was nauseating in its content. And receiving it from my naïve friend also made me feel sick, as if what was wrong with me could be resolved by simply understanding that God loved me. I felt like screaming at her, “don’t you get it? I don’t want God to have a father heart! That’s the source of my misery! Someone masquerading as God’s representative, but still wearing Satan’s underwear.”
You’re right. It would have been misconstrued.
My dear friend C gave me a book entitled Making Life Work , by Bill Hybels. I never did find out if the guy had made his life work. I didn’t read it. I didn’t need to be further patronised. Further abused. Yah, people’s emotional/spiritual quick fixes can end up feeling abusive. The unspoken but clearly heard message of: “why can’t you just be more normal; more like so-and-so? Why do you keep moping and crying about your life?” …tends to be perceived as what it is: further emotional abuse.
So I have reached today. A line I wrote in a short story a couple of weeks back; it’s on here: Bea’s Friend. I digress, but probably not hugely. That story helps to express certain emotions.
The darned book I’ve just started reading is seriously pissing me off. I don’t like the author’s writing style as I find it confusing and illogical. It could just be that I don’t like the subject matter. But I also don’t like his style. He’s looking at the damage CSA causes; good. This needs addressing. But he gave a definition of sexual abuse that was not complete (that was the point last night at which I hurled his book beyond the end of the bed).
However, despite being pissed off, I have decided to read the book, particularly because I want to be able to address these issues related to CSA on real time, as I come across them. So I’m annoyed with his overly simplistic, excluding definition of CSA. I’m gonna have to write it out tomorrow, so that I can argue against it, and because I’m falling asleep as I type right now.
Today feels as if I’ve gone cold turkey, given up all props and crutches, ready to face this beast head on. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to face distorted reality.
I’ll have to finish this in the day because the sleep voices are washing in and out between dreamland and reality.
But I’m saying I’m committing to read the entirety of this book (The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B Allender. And I’m also committing to writing on here about it, and to disagreeing where I can’t agree. I’ll share my perspective on things, and tomorrow I’ll write out my understanding of the Police (UK) definition of CSA, and why that doesn’t exclude or negate my experiences, even when held up next to Dr. Allender’s interpretation.
Really falling asleep now. Easter hymn phrases popping into my head.
If you have read his book, or any other, on the topic of CSA, please comment below, and let’s see what light we can shed on this ghastly issue.
I hope I’ve not written gobbledygook. I’ll edit if need be, in the day.
Let me know what subject(s) you want to discuss.
Good night all.
Author
thinkspeakrun@gmail.com